MuteChannel

2009-06-28T04:23:00.005+08:00

The Love Story I Wrote Three Years Ago Is A Failure, But Why Does My Heart Still Crying Now?

2009-04-26T19:02:00.004+08:00

Today We Talked About People

We met for the second time after yesterday, same place and same time, but today he was late for half an hour.
"Dude, you late! For 30 minutes. You lost?" I laughed.
"Yeah... I know... Things still haven't change in KL, like usual, traffic jam." He stared at my coffee and continued.
"Same coffee again? What so special about it?" He curious about the coffee I ordered.
"Iced Caramel Macchiato, one of my best friends introduced this coffee to me last few months ago. I like the way it taste, you can give it a try." I said.
"Emm... I want to see how good is it. I thought you only drink cappuccino..." He skeptical about the taste of my coffee.

He curious, because usually once I found my favorite drinks, I will stuck with it for a very long period, sometime I don't even bother to try a new taste. He walked into the shop and grab his drink, like usual, I lighted my cigarette while waiting for him.

"Hey, you never thought of quit smoking?" He took the first sip of his coffee.
"Of course I thought of it before, but now I lost my reason to quit. Nah... I don't want to talk about it anymore." That question recalled friendship and relationship that cause me a lot of pain. These days, I just don't bother to care about it anymore, since they don't even bother to solve the problem. The relationship had seem to lost the value to keep and protect.

"I don't have much friends these days... You considered the few of my good friends that I can really talked to." Loneliness was shown in his eyes when he said these words.
"Seem like when you getting older, friends that can talk with their heart was getting less, wasn't it?" I continued what he didn't get to finish.
"At list I still have you!" He said it, and both of us laughed.

"Good friend is getting difficult to find... I should say, people that willing to talk with their heart is getting less. I have a lot of friends, but I known it very clearly, only few of them are really put their heart in our relationship. Think about it, how many people can really be like us? Have a cup of best coffee while sharing our feeling with each other?" I pointed to the another table not far away from us and continued.
"You see, that guys with another two girls, he probably tried to shown them the best side of him, and the girls probably was too dumb and innocent to think his dirty jokes was humor... And they probably just know the guys for few months. We both guys, and we all know the way guys talk."
"How you knew they was just get to know each other?" He curious why I said they just knew each other for not very long.
"Because the girls asked for his number. Don't you think it weird if I already know you for a very long time and I don't even have your number?" He burst into laughter.
"And the girls asked for his occupation and where he from. I will know what my friend doing and where is he from, would I?" We all laughed again.

"People get interested to new people they just know, because they are mystery, and there are still lot things to explore in that person. And sometime, they become not so interested with their old friends, because not much they can explore with their old friends anymore. And a lot of people will denied this, because they will still stay as a friends, but just they don't realize they are getting less to spend time with their old friends. It not wrong, because get to know new people is interesting, don't you think?" I shared my opinion with him.

He nodded his head, and I continued.
"We are lucky, because we appreciated each other, and we willing to tolerance with each other. And that's the reason why we still here." I smiled while enjoying my coffee.

-To Be Continued-

2009-04-22T05:40:00.007+08:00

Yesterday We Talked About Death

"My father passed away when I was t UK last few months ago..." He said it with emotion filled in his words.
"Before he gone, he begged for his family to be there with him, he wanted to see his own son face for last... But I was not there..." He was near tears. He continued.
"I... I was having fun with friends while he suffered the most. I was drank, spent money,clubbed with friends." This time, he shear his tears quietly.
"Now, it's too late... Everything was too late..." His eyes was full with tears.

I didn't say anything for few minutes, I knew the best way to comforted him was to let him expressed it out.
I looked him in the eyes and said softly.
"People come and gone. When they come we felt happy, and when they gone we felt sad. Sadness was part of the emotion we need to went through, and it's nothing wrong to felt sad. But when you felt it, learn how to detach it and feel other feeling too. Happiness, graceful, angry, regret... Not matter good or bad feeling, felt it... That's what make life complete, but learn to detach from bad feeling."
I recalled the memory depth down my mind, I used to felt the same when my grandfather passed away. Kinda funny to other people if I said I felt lucky, at list I still can spent the last moment with him. He was weak, he asked to go nearest to him ad grabbed my hand. "Pray, pray if you have problems. Pray to me..." Even for someone that near death, he still wished to protect his grandson. But I was still young, death was something so alien to me. And I am scared. I didn't even say a word at that moment.

"I hated him so much! I hated him for not taking care of us when we need a father the most!" He kept crying.
"But funny, now he's gone and I never get change to see him anymore." He stopped crying and trying to dry his tears.

I passed him the tissue. To make sure he get what I said, I repeat again.
"You made mistake, you father made mistake, I made mistake... We all does. We not perfect, we born with flaw, all of us does. But most importantly, we need to learn from our mistake, and we detach for that feeling."

"What's feeling?" He's shivering.
"Felt sorry for ourselves. We felt it, and detach from it, and try to feel other emotion too."
He nodded his head, and I continued.
"This is important, you felt sad now, and you felt sorry, it's fine. But have hope for tomorrow."
And he nodded his head again. He smiled.

"This is the lesson for all of us as well, learn from our mistakes. Learn to appreciate people that important to us while we still around... While they still around. Love them. I'm busy these days, but I still tried to called my family every week, so they felt relief that I still doing fine." I said.
He nodded again, he agreed.

"Can we meet again tomorrow? I mean if you were free." He laughed and continued.
"They all said these day you kept joined this and that, training...competition. Like you want to take down the world." He kept laughing.
"Yes, of course." I laughing as well.
"I have to go back, thought of having dinner together with my mother." He said it while staring at his watch.
"It's my time too, go for it!" I smiled.
"Hope to see you tomorrow, glad you are the one that I spoken to, desperately needed someone to talk to but I don't felt like talk to them..."
"Felt just like they talking for the sake of talking, comfort me just because they need to. But it's different when I talked to you."
"What's made you felt different?" I curious and asked.
"You talked for the sake of me... When you talked to the people, you talked for the sake of them and not yourself. Felt just like always." He smiled.

It was a sunny day... Just like another normal afternoon, felt different when I shared another value with the people around me. Life is short, we should share what we had learn with other people before our time run out. I was thought if everyone is understanding like him, would it be a better world? Our conversation ended and he left after we said goodbye to each other. Sometime, words brought us together and it tighten our relationship, no matter family, love or friends. I felt lucky our relationship still maintained the same like last time, some people just lose it when the time washed away everything.

2009-04-21T03:06:00.003+08:00

The Meeting 2

"You've changed... You looked different." That was the first question he asked me after 3 years.
"Am I? Why you said that?" I laughed.
"Seem a lot of thoughts had filled inside your mind, you looked wise..."
"Wise? Erm... Tell me something about that, will you?" I smiled.
"Seem like you been through a lot all these years when I away..."
"That all you can said after all these years? You mind to grab a coffee first?" I laughed and said, and we both laughed.

He grabbed a coffee and sat down, and he paused for a while, and asked.
"Erm... You not blamed me for accused you last time?" Seem he has been waited for 3 years to ask this question.

"It's fine, don't let something like that bothered you."
"I thought you will be pissed... I felt uncomfortable to seeing you so calm."
I not pissed, just felt sad didn't get a change to farewell with you last time, that's all..."
"My bad... I didn't leave a contact to you last time. But luckily I managed to get your new phone number..."
"Or else we will be lost each other forever." I took a sip of my coffee and continued his words, he smiled.

Honestly, I was pissed at 3 years ago, because he rather believed other people words than giving me a opportunity to explain. He left... Without saying anything, I was confused, I felt incomplete without knowing what was happened that time. But not all the people get to meet up like this, some people even felt regret for losing someone important in their life. I felt lucky... I felt lucky because we get to met again before I leave. We talked for hours, like the time was slowing down for us, let us replace what we couldn't last time. Suddenly, he paused for a while, and his expression changed.

-To Be Continue-

2009-04-20T21:33:00.002+08:00

The Meeting

Yesterday was a sunny day, it might be just another normal afternoon for most of the people. One of my friend was just came back form UK, called me for a tea time after he reached his home. Of course, without second thought, I promised him.

He had been left for 3 years, and we didn't contact with each other even since, both of us was way too busy for our own works. I was quite surprised that I am the first one he called after he came back. We have been friends for 7 years, we fought, we argued, we laughed, we cried, we shared... And we were best friends in other people eyes. For some reason, he misunderstand me, and he left without saying goodbye with me. And we lost contact even since, but I never forget about his essence all this years.

Our meeting place was Starbucks. Like usual, I ordered my old time flavour coffee, and grabbed some magazine to read while waiting for him. The place was crowded, and the shop was filled with people that passed by, but somehow, everything that happened that noon was seem so contrast to me.

After 15 minutes, I saw him kept looking for someone not far away from my place, I knew that was him. I waved my hand, and he finally saw me sitting among the crowd. He seem surprised to see me but he still look the same, and I glad his appearance didn't change much, but I saw something different from his smile, I knew something was bothering him...

-To Be Continue-

2009-04-19T04:15:00.003+08:00

Being Happy Doesn't Mean That Everything Is Perfect. It Means That You've Decided To look Beyond The Imperfections.

Running away from the problems we facing seem to be something very common these days, because they find it is very comfort when they not deal with the difficult of the problems they had. But does that mean everything is going to be fine? Avoid it doesn't mean the problems do not exist, sometime we just don't realize we are making it worst when the time passed by.

2009-04-18T04:34:00.005+08:00

All The Knowledge I Possess Everyone Else Can Acquire, But My Heart Is All My Own - Johann Von Goethe

It has been a long time since last posted, just finished my final project and finally can fully focused on my training. Now at list can rest for a while... I think... Since I have a bit of free time now before the new semester is start, now it is time for me to throw my works aside, and started to relating to all the people that important in my life. And it is time for me to work on the book I planned to write few months ago, to share the knowledge and value I have acquired. Sharing is the best thing that could even happened in our life, be good a listener to my friends that needed helps, sharing my valuable time with my family, and help them out as much as I can. My knowledge is limitless, but my time is limited. At list now I still can do things by followed my heart, while I still can.

2009-04-03T04:54:00.010+08:00

My Lifestyle As A Designer Part 2

Me and my copywriter friend went back again for KL Design Week at Sunday, but this time we went there earlier compared to the day before. Stuck in traffic jam for few hours at Saturday... This time we just get smarter! Like I expected, we reached there earlier without trapped in the living hell.

In the exhibition, KLDW featured artworks like "Double Thumbs Up" from Hong Kong, "Genius Party Beyond", "Hexa Project" and "Mari - Brand" from Japan, "MI2" from Taiwan, and "Uselesshop" from my another hometown Singapore. Heath Nash, a South African designer and Nille Svensson, a Sweden designer, their works are featured in the exhibition as well. Put all that big name in creative industry behind now,and let's talk about their works... Their creations made out of recycled material was beautiful! I took my time, enjoyed and observed every pieces of their artworks carefully, tried to get inspire by their fabulous masterpieces. Of course, I snapped more pictures this time in that exhibition to put in my magazine features.

The Hexa Project from Japan.

A showcased artwork that purely made of
recycled material, newspapers and papers.

After that, we went to the Secret Tent Design Bazaar. It is a creative space that showcased individual unique art crafts and designs, and these displays are represented the thoughts and insights of our young creative people in industry. Before we went back, we settled down in Starbucks for while, having one cup of nice coffee and listened to memorable classic jazz song Starbucks was played, and we started to shared our thoughts and experience that we had gained in this event. What a wonderful afternoon!

Effort of designers to evoke a sense of
fun and mystery to the KLDW project,
Secret Tents Design.

Each individual secret tent is expected to showcase their
unique works, and it provided a sneak peek into what we
expected of our design industry in the near future.

I was really opened my sights in KLDW, what I had learned there was something that I can't learn in college. Therefore, we as a designer should participate and involve more in what happened in creative world. These days, people whom wanted to be a designers are not willing to get themselves involve in our creative industry. For that reason, they are so shallow in term of knowledge and experience. That's why we have so many suck designers in our line, and they are destroying what other good designers had built in creative world so far. In creative world, there only two options, either we work our heart out, or we choose the simple way out... Quit it!

I was specialist in branding,but think I had
just became a brand victim of Starbucks Coffee,
fell in love with Iced Caramel Macchiato lately.

2009-03-31T07:54:00.017+08:00

My Lifestyle As A Designer Part 1

KL Design Week 09 and Earth Hour

KL Design Week 09 is held in Malaysia this year, it's the largest annual international design event. And KLDW is collaborated with Earth Hour to promoted "Become". "Become" is an exhibition projects that focusing on saving the environment and a campaign yo urge the public to "say no to plastic bag!". Of course, I don't want to miss the event by any chance, me and my copywriter friend was participated in this event.

One of the collection of 1000+7 designs
that showcased in KL CapSquare, carrying
'save the green' illustrated messages.

In the exhibition, they showcased both local and international designers works, and they also showcased college students' works. And we realized works from non-design college was far more better than the design college, from conceptualization to execution, they was really impressive! And we both agreed that we don't mind to pay them RM 3000 to work for us. It was easy to find a designer and there are a lot of them in our industry, but designer with good attitude, pure and original thought and ideas was getting difficult to find. Most of the students in our college was blinded and stuck up by their own pride and alter ego, that's why they can't manage to achieve anything! Shame on us!

Students' artworks from Taylor College, which are far more
better than most of our college students.

KLDW showcased both local and international designers'
works in Young Tigers Exhibition and Degree Show.

Beside help the students embarking on a new career in new
market place, it also help the local art and creative education
in developing their education modules and methodology.

After the exhibition, the time was almost 8.30pm, we went to the location where the countdown for Earth Hour was held. Joey G from Channel [V] was the host of the night, and Belinda from 8tv and other local celebrities was there, all of them was participated in the Earth Hour event. Too bad, we didn't manage to snapped a lot of picture that night, but we experienced the darkness in that 1 hour, without light... And it was not that bad after all. The objective of this event was not just to turn off the light, of course, it about conserve the energy and protect our resource. Some might think only one of them is useless, but if all of us was participate in saving our environment, we can make a different!

Beside conserve energy and saving our resource, Earth Hour
also brought people to gather around and to help improve
the relationship between people.

2009-03-27T01:09:00.009+08:00

Numb

Getting used to word "lost" lately, first my heart, second my car key, now my laptop, real disaster was happening in my life! Today was a raining day. I met her today, but she treated me like a stranger, we don't talk to each other. But weird thing was she can smiled and greeted with my friend, just not me... My friends getting involved in my personal problem in the first place, and tried to decide for me what should I do, but in the end she begged me not to dragged my friends in this issue, I felt the pain and suffer at that moment... How foolish I am! She can settled the problem with my friends, but not me... It was like a black humour that happened in my life. She don't even bother to care about our problem compared to her problem with friends she just knew, I felt like a real fool! Maybe in her heart I was just a fool, two years was nothing compared to the friends she knew for few weeks, My heart was like a messed, more works is coming to me, just wanted to focus on my works. Now I wished so bad to graduate as soon as possible, and stay away from all this shit! Wished God can get me out from here now!

2009-03-24T02:30:00.008+08:00

My Brand

non-element is founded in year 2009, non-element provided creative solution in building and improving our clients' business. It's where creative thinking and communication engages. Our business approach is to be creative, smart, honest and effective, and those beliefs driven us to achieve our clients and their business objective. Our creative disciplines and mission is to build a unique and distinctive identities for our clients' business, and we are passionate in both our clients' business success and the quality of our works.

Value Of Design
non-element is committed to enrich our clients' business with our creative thinking and design. We believed design across all aspects of business can sustain and create unique business advantage for our clients. Through design, we built an interaction bridge between our clients' business and their customers. We believe the process of design can inspire and enrich for everyone involved.

Brand Solution & Language
non-element is experience and expert in solving our clients' identity and business problems. We have extensive knowledge in brand study and design to achieve clients' business success, and we believe in brand value we create for our client to help them define their brand language. Brand language will deliver your business strength and everything you do, and your very own identity and brand becomes your triumph card in business.

Expertise
- Brand and identity communication: identity design, brand positioning, brand architecture, event branding, branding strategy, labeling and naming.

- Design & Communication: environment design, collateral and publications design.

For more information about non-element, please visit our website. non-element website is still under construction, please be patient. Our time is money, and we believe our clients' time is valuable as well, so we simplified our website and make it easy to understand to save our clients' valuable time.

Elementary is a subsidiary of non-element, and it's a non-profit foundation. We research and study brand in elementary to understand the fundamental and structure of our client brand and business. We analyzing our client business and their competitor in the market as well, and provide solutions and strategies that can solve their brand problems.

2009-03-22T02:16:00.004+08:00

Million Miles Away

"It had been a long time since we talked like this."

I walked side by side with her. After she listened to what I said, she just smiled without saying a thing.

"Hey..." I stopped her and I apologized, "I'm sorry..."

Without saying much this time, she replied "It's fine, you don't need to apologize..."

She smiled again. She decided to left me when we still in the college, and we didn't talked even since, both of us had graduated, and we both went separate way since that day. Wind started to blow and the evening was cozy, not much sun ray is coming through the sun today. She started to grabbed her shoulder, I knew she was felling cold and I passed her my coat.

"Thanks, I already received a lot of presents from you today, so now you want to give me your coat?"

She smiled and said. This time I smiled. This is her 26th birthday, it had been 4 years since last time we talked.

" I want to sit down, my legs was tired, then you can share with me about your exhibition in London and Berlin. You will tell me everything, right?"

She said it with naughty face and she smiled again.

"I will... I will tell you what you want to know..."

I nodded my head with a lot of thoughts spinning in my head, reminded me of my tough life as a designer in London and Berlin. And without her essence around me, my life was more difficult. Not far from us there was a old bench, the wooden bench looked so familiar, but I can't find the pieces from my memories. We walked there and sat on the bench. We talked about everything... My life and her life. Time passed so fast at that moment, but when she not around time was passed so slow, day was like a month to me.

" Are you leaving again?" She asked me with sadness in her eyes.

"Are you going to disappear again?" She asked again.

" This time I will stay... I will. I already settled my business there, life was tough without you, I watch over you this time..."

I holding her hand and said, this is the first time I really holding her small and soft hand. I remember my days without her and my tears was about to drop down, but I hold it on and forced myself not to shear a tear, just don't want her to see the another side of me...

Suddenly, sand went into my eyes and i trying to rubbed it off. But when I opened my eyes, I realized she was gone, she was disappeared. I kept search for his shadow around, and I saw a long hair lady walking away from me. Without hesitation, I running towards her.

I shouted out her name, but she didn't look back, and she just kept walking. I don't want to lose her again, so i just kept running and running. It 's strange, each step she took was like a mile, the more steps she took, the more further we are.

Don't know for how long I ran, I stepped on the hole and I fell down. All the dirt was went inside my mouth, and it stuck inside my throat. I coughed painfully, I hit my chest and hope the dirt will come out from my throat. I knew I can't waste more time, I stood up and run again. This time what I saw was her blur shadow, she was much more far away from me, and without turning her back on me, she just kept walking. i was so close to her, but I was like million miles away from her.

I ran and ran, my legs was like out of my control, I fell down for second time. This time, I had broken my leg, I tried to stood up but I fell down again. I trying to crawled as fast as I can with my hand, but just a while, my hand was full of blood and I realized my hand was injured. I stopped... I know I can't run anymore even I want to. I shear the first tear, and watch her walking away from me. Slowly, she disappeared. My throat was full of dirt, and I can't call out her name any longer... I just watched she walking away...

I woke up... I dried my eyes, and I realized it was just another nightmare of losing her. I knew it not much different from my reality. I only slept for 2 hours, I was so tired, yet I am so afraid to sleep these days. I afraid I will lose her in my dream again and again. I lighted the cigarette of my first day, and forced myself to work again.

2009-03-21T04:03:00.003+08:00

Restless Night

Assignments and Works... Ton of them are waiting for me to finish it. Tired and exhausted in this moment, but there still a lot of it I have to do. Only two reason why I still awake at 5 a.m. while most of the people are already in sleep. One of the reason was I have to forced myself to worked until my limit, so I don't missed her at cozy night like this. Another reason was I had to finish it! Either I do it or ignore it, and ignorance was not one of my characteristic.

2009-03-20T02:02:00.004+08:00

Little Value In Life 01: Learn How To Win Win

Everyone wants to be a winner, but if you win, is it there someone that have to lose? No matter in games, sports, business, relationships or even arguments, no one wants to be a loser and that is the true fact. But is there an ideal way both sides can win? I believe it is, but do you believe in it?

About twenty years ago, before I was born... There were an special Olympic that held for the disable people. And all the participants were a winner from different category of sports, and they were chosen to participate in this running competition. They nothing different from normal people, just they having thinking disorder, and that is what normal people so called retarded.

Same rule applied to this sport game, winner get the reward and loser get nothing. The game started and all of them run their heart out, and they carried one purpose... To win. But in the middle of the running track, a twelve years old boy fell down, and his leg was injured. he was unable to continue the competition. One of the participants noticed the boy, and he stopped and turn back for the boy. The other participants saw him going back for the boy, all of them went back to help the boy, and they finished the race together. And this is the only Olympic that all of the participants are winners. And those are the people we called them retarded?

They are disable people, but they understood the theory of win win, yet we called them retarded? but do we do that in our Olympic? One of the runner from China fell down in last Olympic, but all of the other participants care about was how to win the race. Try to compare normal and retarded people, we understood the theory but yet we don't do it, what for we been given a normal body and mind?

Wars and conflicts happened because we won't tolerance, when you win, then must be one side have to lose, sometime in the end, both sides might be lose as well. So many people had died and suffered because of win and lose, and this theory can used to apply on every small things that happened in our life, someone have to take the first step to do it and someone have to start it. So why don't we started to win win from this moment?

2009-03-17T12:01:00.003+08:00

Bright Sun At Daylight, Crescent Moon At Night. They Connected Because Of Mother Earth, But So Sad They Will Never Meet Each Other. Is That What Happened To Us Too?

2009-03-16T22:10:00.007+08:00

Rain Clouds

Monday, March 16, Rain

Raining again... I was stared at the rain drops, it was just like my moody heart. Memories was flashed through my head, pieces by pieces... I wondered again... I wondered what she doing at this moment. I took out my phone and I felt like give her a message. But the fact is I didn't, I know she want to be alone and I don't dare to do that. Was it nothing to remember about the past? She used to appreciated people around her, that was what made her so special... She owned an angel heart, that what made I fell for her... But she was different that day... Words she used so like a sharp knife stabbed into my heart, it made my heart bleed and I felt like a fool... The rain stopped and I stopped thinking, I packed my stuff and leave the place.

2009-03-15T23:26:00.008+08:00

My Secret Garden

She had gone... She had left... For 6 days, but it seem like another long 6 months for me. I still listening to her favorite songs, but i don't dare to hope for anything, I know clearly I can't and I don't deserve to do so. And I know clearly i have to go back to my secret garden again, a garden without flowers... It's my comfort zone, not I like it inside, but I know it is the only way to be numb... To everything I used to recognize and love. The love didn't disappear, just I locked it inside my secret garden... And I won't let it come out anymore... I back again... To my secret garden...

2009-03-13T03:05:00.007+08:00

泪流成河

还来不及拉着你小手，你就已经离我而去，
原以为我们有了约定，就能一起共享回忆。

醒了我还是闭住眼睛，只有这样能留下你，
我紧闭眼晴屏住呼吸，很怕泪水吞噬心情。

还没记住你点点滴滴，回忆竟已不能连续，
谁知道在白天遇见你，根本就不敢看着你。

睡了我不敢睁开眼睛，流干眼泪不能呼吸，
很明白你已离我而去，我只能让泪流成河。

听见朋友祝福的声音，以为我们能在一起，
站在远方角落望着你，唯有回忆你的背影。

我俩酸甜苦辣的回忆，难道已不能再连续，
不让你看见我的泪水，在寂寞让泪流成河。

2009-03-13T02:06:00.003+08:00

Routine

Good to see my friend get back to the routine, your friend was passed away, he leaving this world, but maybe better world is waiting for him. If I gone, I don't want to see you sad for me too, I know he felt the same. The time you can cry is finish, put an ending to it... If i see you ever shear a tear, I will kick your sad face down to hell! Lol

2009-03-12T01:17:00.006+08:00

Gone

Bad Things just happened around us, without our control... One of my friend's friend just passed away today, everything was happened all of sudden. He's sad... Sadness is what I saw from his face... I don't know his friend, but I felt his sadness. People came, and they gone. It is the nature's law, we can't fight it, and we can't escape it, when the time came, we have to just accept it. So sad...

I see your cried today... I helpless... You are someone so close to me but I can help... Let me share your sadness, i already used to it.

Don't be sad, my friend! Cry it out loud! My shoulder is with you as long I still here! You done the same to me when I sad... when I shear my tear...

You borrowed me your shoulder... Countless time... I remember it... I can tell you, I always here when you need me...

I forgive you when you did wrong... I always will... So don't blame yourself... Please don't...

You can make it through... My friend.

2009-03-11T07:40:00.001+08:00

Take And Receive

"Everything is going to be fine"... Definitely not what I believed...

She used to cared about me, I'm cared for her too. We used to spent time to chatted every day, no matter how busy we are, so we can shared everything that happened in two different life. When she happy, I smiled. When she cried, I sad. But things changed so fast, For the first time, she asked me to leave her alone... That few words hurt me badly, she said she just want to be normal friend? Can we?

Friend... But friend that went through more than other couples. Friend... What we shared is much more than friend. Listened to Eason Chan song named "婚禮的祝福"...these few days. The song described my future. If she find the man she like, If she want me to bless they happy together, I will even I felt unwilling to do so. If she want me to wished her happy even after, I will even it will break my heart. Just because she asked to... Wishing someone you love in their wedding, can they still be friend?

Words has been manipulated... "I love her" is from the bottom of my heart, she used to said she fell for me because of my sincerity. Even half... I happy... I really happy... But now, I still said "I love her", but she said I can't be selfish, love is both sides, she don't love me at all... My heart was bleed, but I don't felt the pain... But it bleed... We used to talked about past, we smiled and cried, something worth to remember in life... I remember... But now, she said don't talk about past, we should moved on. My heart was crying and tear was dropping from my eyes, this was not the first time I cried for her... I numb, but I am crying... I was...

I was confused and scared... For the first time I scared... She said we have no future, she asked me to leave her alone, I kept begging her and begging her... She so insisted to give up, asked me don't force her. I stopped... I felt guilty after she said that... Someone so friendly and nice to me today had become cruel, I don't know who she is anymore... I know she is gone...Gone...

I bleed but it painless, I crying but it numb... I took her words and promise what she asked for... I will leave her alone like she said... I will not talk about anything... Anything... I take her words. She received what she desired and what she want... If that made her happy. I want her to be happy... I will disappear for her life... I won't not appear in front of her if she don't want me too... I will pretend that we are stranger if we met if she want it to be... I won't not talk to her if she don't want to talk to me... If that make her happy...just to make her happy... I took... She received...

Love someone mean to make her happy, even I don't belong in her happiness... Just sad I can't shared her happiness and sadness in the future, when she laughed i can't smiled for her anymore... When she been hurt I can't give her my shoulder anymore... She tell me this is the end of us... I have to go... To make her happy... Her happiness had became my sadness...

I cried again... This time is the last time...

2009-03-10T14:26:00.002+08:00

Stupid Headache

Headache again... Unbearable pain again... Shit... I still got a lot of works to do, at list give me some break. You can come to me after I finished my works, You can tortured me whatever You like after I finished my works. Charges of me getting headache are higher each day, hated it when they visit me at the wrong time, can't manage to complete my works. Shit! Later I still have to attend to the training! Better get well soon! I can felt something is wrong with my head, first headache,second eye bleed, third vomiting. Think I should find a day and go to check on my head.

2009-03-09T14:20:00.004+08:00

Family Day

Too much issue happened lately, I decided to went back my hometown to have a break. I know I won't have time to go back anymore in the next few months. I saw my brother, I shouted out his name and laughed to him. "You are getting smaller!" I said. He laughed... I passed him the T-shirt I bought to him, this time he smiled. Every time I went back, I shared my knowledge with him, this time I told him the story of "Why thumbnail is the best?". He smiled again... I want to shared everything I know with him, if I gone one day, he still can use what I taught him to live his life. I told my mom everything that happened while I out there, of course I told her all the good news. I know I can't tell her my right eye was bleed, I can't tell her I got a lot of works and stressed. I don't want her to worried about me, I decided to kept the secret... After that, I walked out from my house, looked at the blue sky and lighted my first cigarette. The smoke tell the story... She knew I stressed, "Don't smoke too much...", she didn't said much. I turned my head and smiled. I took a bath and went out again, it been a long time since last time I visited her. Since my grandfather passed away, she lost a old partner to talk, to share, to laugh... She happy to see me, kept touching all over my face, I smiled. I asked her again, "You should stay with us, so you won't be alone." She declined, and I didn't ask anymore... She was so used to this place, lot of memories was here before, I know... It just too difficult to leave it behind, I will do the same too. I took my family to dinner... Shopping before I go back, so I can spent more time with them. My father is about to retire... No! He was supposed to retire by now. But he still worked for the sake of my education. My mom was supposed to enjoyed life now, but she still need to take care the family so I can focus on my study. My brother was about to graduate, he will go to college soon. And for me, I have to make sure everything is fine, I want my parents to enjoyed their life, I will make sure my brother have a good education. Time passed by, I have to go again... Go back to my works and problems.

2009-03-05T01:47:00.004+08:00

What Kind Of World We Living In?

The world is small, but it is not big as well. People are getting selfish and careless... Just to make sure they won't have difficulty in their life, but how about another corner of this world?

Today I went to my training, just like other days. I parked my car quite further away from my training agency, so I had to walk for quite a while to my destination. Not far away from me, there was an Indian with dirty clothes. He is walking with his bared foots, probably walking under the sun had cause his unprotected foots bleeding. We used to walk with shoes, shoes was seems so normal to us in these days... When we get bored of it, all we need is change a new pair of shoe, but how often can he change a new shoe? I don't dare to think of it...

He walking toward few people whom passed by him, trying so hard to get some money to fill up his stomach... But rejection and ignorance is what he received. From his dirty appearance and long hair, probably he was smelly... Maybe that's the reason why people won't bother about him... Or maybe people are getting careless...

He walked to me... The Indian was finally crying like a child, tears was dropping from his eyes. This is the first time I saw an adult crying and begging like baby, I felt so sad that someone have to do this just to survive... He started to begging me to give some money to him... Nothing much that he said... When someone starved to his limit, all he can do is throw away his pride... and begged as hard as he can... He said: "Indian is dying, Nepal is dying, I need to eat! I just want to eat! Please..." He said it along with some Indian language which I don't understand... But i knew that he need something for his stomach, yet he was so scared of me. Poor man... he won't even dare to stand closer to me, In this moment, I knew his self esteem has been gone for long time... World don't do this to people, it is people whom done this to each other.

Without second thought, I brought him to the nearest mamak stall to have something for his stomach. I saw all the wound and scar on his body... Probably it was made by people while he trying to begged for money. Five dollars was what it took to filled the poor Indian stomach, i gave him another five dollar to him after he finished the food. Those money I probably will spend on another pack of cigarettes, instead of that, I doing something else more meaningful which is helping a homeless man to survive, why not? I asked the question to myself. Sometime, with small amount of money we can make a difference, but that small amount was seems so important to most of the people.

Countless thanks was came out from his mouth, but that mean nothing much to me... He still have to go through the same experience tomorrow... A day after tomorrow... Until he was unable to do it anymore... Nothing much i know about him, he from Nepal, he had to went through rejection everyday, he had to beat by people everyday, then he had to go back home...The dirty alley or street we walked everyday was his home... We saw it most of our day, but ignorance was what we do... Pretended they are not exist... He slowly went away, but what I saw was a man who lose his pride and dignity... Or are we steal it from them... Who are we?

Sometime, we can do something about this world, yet we chosen to be careless... That Indian reminded me of my old best friends, the college where I am was something they can't afford. He reminded me they used to begging other people to lend them money to study... Nothing much I can do to help them... I don't have power that time. Instead of worrying my problem, I forgot people that might have bigger problem than I am... What I been through is nothing compared to them...

How shameful I am...

2009-03-04T04:49:00.003+08:00

Wasted

Today was a long day... Definitely was another tired day... Rained as usual, just like my mood... Stuck in traffic jam, just like my love life. It was just another daily routine for me.

Went back from training, another headache again, unbearable pain was what I felt... this time it left faster, how glad I am. I'm glad of lot of things that happened in my life... Good friends I had made, bright path of future I had created, supporting family I had, Most importantly, I had found the one in my life... Which a lot of people can't find in their whole life. I was glad... Glad is what I felt...

But today I was not happy, Disappointment is what I felt... Stupidity is who I am... It been a long time since I felt like this. Surprise is not what I need... It doesn't mean something good to me, too many unexpected surprised that occurred in my life. But I do need support... Lies is not what I want... Lies are not much different from surprise for me, too many lies i had listen all these years. But I do need honesty...

Support and Honesty, something simple but difficult to achieve... Words are easy to said, but it's different when do...

I don't need people to made my decision, took control of my life. i don't need people lied to me, just to made me feel happy... Is that the true happiness? Everything I 'm glad is faded today...

I'm tired... I'm confused... I pissed... I'm angry... No more strength within me to fight back anymore... I just wasted another day fighting with the one I love, what i think I know are hidden in the thick mist. I hated it...

Disappointed is what I felt... Stupidity is what I felt... One was my love one... One was my best friend... They get the worst out of me today.

That is a phrase that someone said to me long time ago, "Lying and hiding was human nature, honesty was just a fantasy." I don't believe it, but now I doubt about it. I think I can slowly adapted to that theory.

2009-03-02T00:38:00.006+08:00

Long Break

Yesterday was a long day for me, I had a long training session from 10 am to 9 pm. I'm happy that I finally completed the first stage, but tiredness was haunting me for whole day. After training, I quickly drove back like usual... Not because I was too tired, and not because I felt sleepy... After reached my messy place, I quickly signed in to my messenger, wished that she was online... Sadly, she was not there. Possibilities are playing in my mind...

"Was she Sleeping? Maybe She was tired."
"Or was she busy for something?"
"Maybe she was went out with her friends..."

I laughed at myself... but just for a while... And I thought "She need to have a break, she had ton of works waiting for her... She should enjoy her life." I smiled again. Because there was something tied between me and her, but we can only talked through a screen. It was so near, yet so far...

I received a call from my friend, asked me to yam cha with them. Without second thought, I quickly agreed, because i haven't had my first meal of the day. Like usual, we crapped... bull shit with each other... laughed, and shared... They unlike my other friends, all we talk is works, works and works, so their conversation with me was surrounded by works. That reminded me of "I do need a break sometime..." Headache suddenly striked my brain at that moment... Like it never was before. I felt the pain in my head... Like someone was whacking my head. It stop for a while for few seconds, then it came back again... And again. I felt the pain, it was miserable yet suffering. For about half an hour, the pain left me. It was time I have to went back and rest...

Quickly, I took a bath. Then I signed in in to my messenger again, wished that she was there this time. We chat for a while, She sent me few emails, I opened the emails. One was about creative advertisments, I felt her understanding towards me... she knew me. Then, I opened the second email, I smiled... Reminded me of sometime I should take a break and have fun. For the third, something I havent see before, I laughed this time... After finished, I continue the next one, this time it made me afraid... scared. It was about a couple that about to marry next day, but her fiance ended up dying on the bed... The day before their marry. The cause was tiredness cause his internal organs to malfunction. I always didnt get enough sleep, it was getting worse since I joined the training...

That moment, my right eye became blur all of the sudden, like something was blocking my sight. I started to rubbed my eye, the pain was so unbearable... I looked at my hand, stain of fresh blood was on my right hand. I quickly rushed to toilet, at that moment, my mind was empty... Because I don't know what else to think. My right eye was bleeding...

It never happened to me before, I tried to comforted myself... Nothing was wrong, I was just too tired... After cleaned my face, the pain slowly faded away. I ended the conversation, I knew I need to rest. Lot of things are playing in my mind in that moment... The email I read... My right eye... That might happened on me, what will happened to her if we started a relationship? She will suffer for sure. Thought of that, made me so afraid to take a step anymore, that one step is seem so far away from me... Thought I was ready to started a relationship, but at the same time I was so worried I can't take good care of the one I love... I was so scared not because I afraid to face death... I was so scared she will crying for me... I was scared... If I was about to die tomorrow, I wished we had started our relationship earlier... So the time we be together is longer. Now, I told myself not to take that step anymore, so she will never get hurt.

I was too tired... Without few minutes, I slowly closed my eyes... and took my long break...

2009-02-22T05:11:00.000+08:00

Light And Smoke

Here I goes again...
Trying to burn away all my problem, and hope all the sadness and stress flying along with the smoke.

But just for 5 minutes... The problem still remained unsolved, I still need to solve it technically. Each time I done that, the grim reaper is moving one step closer to me, slowly but deathly...Not everyone is lucky till they can cheat the death and slipped away from the grim reaper! I hope I'm one of them, but who's know? Not that I afraid of death, just not now... I need more time, more time to let my family enjoy their life, more time to be with the one I care, more time to get my works done... And more time to let me achieve all of that.

Have to continue on my works again, there are tons of it... Or else I'm really death before the grim reaper get me...

Sitting in front of computer by myself and trying to concentrate on works... and the "friend" at midnight I can counting on to keeping me awake...

Here I goes again...

2009-02-22T04:01:00.000+08:00

Voice Within Muteness

Too many possibilities in our life sometime, we can't never expect what will occur in the future. But when the time it was happened, everything was too late... But in my career, I able to predict the good and bad possibilities before execute it, so I can choose the best possibility, or leave the worse possibility before it was happened. But in something that involved emotion, I have seem to lost the logic and analysis skill that I so proud of...

This time, I do predicted the bad possibility that might happened. For the worse case, I might even get myself hurt badly in the end... Yet, I still kept searching and wishing for the best possibility, hope it will end up happily like another Cinderella story.

How foolish and stupid I am... tried to pretending that the bad possibility was never going to happen! Sometime I even laughing at myself...

Farewell seem to be so familiar to me... Someone used to done the same to me. It felt just like thousand of needles are stabbing toward my heart, and I don't like the way it felt...I believed no one will like it... But what can i do? try to pretend I don't feel the sadness... Or pretending to laugh like I'm happy... Don't wanted it to happened again, that feeling and situation... Just not going to happened on me again... So There will never be "goodbye" from me...

2009-02-16T04:31:00.000+08:00

My February 14Th

Valentine's Day... It had been almost three years since last time I celebrated Valentine's Day... Almost forgot the existence of Valentine's Day.

It Had been a long time... Since last time I bought roses. Tonight, I gave roses to someone I really care during the dinner. Usually I don't believe in what roses defined, somehow I do believe today... Just for today. Maybe roses told the words that I couldn't tell through my mouth. How pathetic I am...

After a simple dinner, I brought "she" went to a park... Just wanted to looking for a place that we can talk intimately. We talked about everything: past, present, future, me and her. During the conversation, I kept staring at the clock needle, wish so bad the time was never exist. Too bad... I know I was lying to myself, time was passed by so fast. I had to took the last glimpse of her face and send her home.

After I sent her back, watching her back that is so familiar to me and slowly leave me behind. No matter how, I'm glad she is the one that spent time with me in this Valentine's Day, and not someone else. Don't want anyone replace her in this February 14Th, and any others February 14Th... hated God when he doing this to me... Damn God!

We had been through so many in these two and half years.
Joy...
Falling...
Sharing...
Laughter...
Sadness...
Happiness...
Warming...
Separation...
And get together again...
So many memories behind an ordinary story, it was definitely more than ordinary love... For that reason, she was someone I want to be with in my life journey. But somehow everything seem to be so further away from me...

2009-02-07T04:22:00.000+08:00

The Midnight Mute Show

The Midnight Mute Show, presented by MuteChannel... We're often used voice to express our feeling from the depth of our heart. I wondering can we still do the same without the existence of voice?

Yes, we can...
Mute is not disability...
Mute is not speech disorder...

Yet, At MuteChannel, muteness is all about language and expression. When I was sat side by side with the silent of night... When everyone is resting and ready for better tomorrow...

Here I am...
The Midnight Mute Show!